There were two old-maid sisters ...
both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to
die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10
o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock,
Finally, about quarter past 1, the front door flies open. In runs Gladys ... straight to
the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she
opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and
her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in ... and 5 inches when it came out. When
I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man moves from Scotland to the U.S.
and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring,
"Run! Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with
the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un, yah bahstard. R-r-r-un!"
A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams, "RRRun, ya bahstard, rrrun, will ya."
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls, "Take your
base." The Scotsman stands up, yelling, "RRRun ya bahstard, rrrun!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing
his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with prrride, man!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing
math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at
the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic
school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with
a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two
hours he toiled away in his room with math ,books strewn about his desk and the
surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate,
went straight back to his room,closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until
bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his
room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the
subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at
his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said,
"No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and
saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And you thought punctuation didn't count..........
Woman, without her man, is nothing.
Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a university in New England
where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework
assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an
undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A
grade, B grade, and C grade.
A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the
"bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for an
inconspicuous C, retyped it, and handed the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments: "I wrote this paper
myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A and now I am glad to
give it one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's the difference between a
nail, a screw, and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked the only girl in the class during
the first day of school.
She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, can't rightly say as I
know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman called the Canon help desk
with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under
Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working
fine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phillips fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune.
They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Phillips threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, even doing it on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillips swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.
"You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing."
"Shit," sighed Phillips, "there go my Sundays."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 feet.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 Kinds of Sex
House Sex: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
Bedroom Sex: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.
Hall Sex: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F*** YOU"
Courtroom Sex: Your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor. Before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, " My husband is a mechanic; he makes love a little rough. I like that."
The third woman replied, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from himself in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT!!! YOU BASTARD!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady goes to this surgeon and says, "Sir, my breasts are small and I would like to have them enlarged."
The doctor looks and says, "Well, I have this new invention, we insert this tool in your breast, when you want to enlarge you wiggle your arms from side to side, to reduce the size you simply wiggle your arms up and down." Seeing that this was easy and convenient, she agreed.
One night she when at a night club and was frustrated with being alone. So off she went to the dance floor wiggling her arms from side to side and her breasts got larger and larger.
Finally, a man comes over to her wiggling his legs from side to side and said, "Hey, we have the same doctor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 54 year old accountant leaves a
letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter
waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with
my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. Since you are an accountant, you will
therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman walked into a New York
City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man
then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the
bank.
Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to
$15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks
for 15 bucks?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for
school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure, Son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call
me "Capitalism." Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her
"Government." We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The
People." We'll call the maid "The Working Class," and your baby brother we
can call "The Future." "Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's
room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through
the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally
unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what
politics is."
Father: "Good! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well, while Capitalism is screwing The Working Class, Government is sound
asleep, The People are being completely ignored, and The Future's full of shit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two snakes named Ollie & Lena. One day, as they were slithering along their merry way, Lena leaned over to Ollie and asked: "Ollie, are we poisonous?"
"Why would you ask me THAT?" he replied.
"Because, I just bit my tongue." she said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a
plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?" The Rabbi responds,
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you
ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb
to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with
his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied,
Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the
flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A
lot better than pork isn't it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young punker gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at, you old fart?! Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was telling his
congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the
Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe
the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a
passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Windoze 95 - a 32 bit extension graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But several weeks, and nearly seven inches later, the man became concerned and went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, the man's condition could be corrected through surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" the patient's wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well, yes," the wife said coldly. "You're planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80 year couple were having problems
remembering things so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure
nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's they explained the problems they were having with their
memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay
but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked,
"Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure," he replied.
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then stated, "Well, I would like some strawberries on top, too. You had better
write that down because I know you'll forget that."
"I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries," he said.
"And I would also like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that, so you'd
better write it down," she added.
With irritation in his voice, he retorted, "I don't need to write it down. I can
remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and
eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple sat down to breakfast together on the morning of their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The wife looked at her husband and said, "You know, after fifty years my breasts are still hot for you."
He replied, "Well they ought to be. You've got one in your oatmeal and the other in your tea!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Background tune: Pacific Coast Highway - Michael D Walthius