A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says, "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says, "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective and if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while
they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and
listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's
wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks.
Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the
interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what
was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind
him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and
the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I
was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of
it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the
way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a
gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm,
happy, and floating......................you finish off as an orgasm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was walking along a California beach when he
kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud
of smoke and a genie smiling at him!
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!"
The man paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from California to Hawaii! I wish for a road to be built from San Francisco to Hawaii."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement! That's too much to ask."
"OK," the man said, not wanting to be unreasonable.
"I'm a psychiatrist." "Make me understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, then sighed, "Do you want two lanes or four?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca
with Count Dracula?
A: autoexec.bat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T.
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey - it's Thursday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bus stops in Boise, Idaho and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella "Mississippi."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a pop on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why are New Yorkers always
depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many Microsoft phone help
technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Please hold, your call is important to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many
Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They'll just come out with Microsoft Darkness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many tech
support reps does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The little boy came down to breakfast.
Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not
yet" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he
does his chores.
He goes to feed the chickens and he kicks the chicken.
He goes to feed the cows and kicks the cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and kicks the pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the
chickens, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon. I
also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk."
His father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the
kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and says "Are you going to tell him,
or should I?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A team of archaeologists were
excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three
thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum
where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was
the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said,
"This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they
knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them
till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help
them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they
had a famine that hit the Earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to
the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently
Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said,
"I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object
to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all,
everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left......
Look again..... It now says :
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gore and the Clintons are flying on
Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the
window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could
throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out
the window and make the whole country happy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, Scot, and Irishman were outside the gates to the Olympics lamenting that they had no tickets or money to gain entrance to see the games. Suddenly, the Englishman had an idea. He walked over to a large stick, clutched it under his arm, and walked up to the gate. "Paine!" he announced to the guard. "England! Pole Vaulting!"
The guard said, "Good luck to you!" and let him pass.
The Scot, not to be outdone by an Englishman, walked over to a man hole cover. He pried it loose, clutched it under his arm, and walked up to the gate. "MacGregor!" he stated to the guard. "Scotland! Discus Throwing!"
"Ah," said the guard. "Good luck to you!" and let him pass.
The Irishman scratched his head and looked around. Finally he spied a barbed wire fence. He undid one end, rolled it up as he walked along the stakes, thrust it under one arm, and walked back to the gate.
"O’Riley!" he proclaimed to the guard. "Ireland! Fencing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one
afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top
of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity. Surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he
certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he
could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I
wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and
it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all
winter!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadie lost her husband almost four
years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only
yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the
world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately
replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an
immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join
him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as
he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday
suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there
I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he
in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their first night to be together,
the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered
and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now.
You can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh,
aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God, you are so beautiful. Let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes, my dear. So I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture. Then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are
married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, my. OH, MY. Let me
get a picture".
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An executive was in a
quandary. He had to downsize his staff. One of his staff assistants had to be
fired. He narrowed the uncomfortable personnel move down to two candidates, Debra or
Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make; both were equally qualified and did
excellent work.
He finally decided that the first one to use the water cooler in the morning would be the
first to go.
Debra came into the office the next morning, hung over after partying most of the
night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.
The executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I
have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you please Jack off. I have a splitting headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and
writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She
says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and
airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes
to the window, leans out, and yells, "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the
next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool
blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once
more he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color,
you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does
that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you do if a blonde
throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a
Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "Because your finger is broken!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fly was buzzing around a barn one
day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal
so he flew down and ate and ate and ate. When he decided that he had eaten enough,
he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against
the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that
once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
Moral of story: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Typical macho man married typical
good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home
when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex
here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While out one morning in the park, a
jogger found a brand new tennis ball and, seeing none around it might belong to, slipped
it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to
change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?"
she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis
elbow once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?"
"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a pub wearing a long overcoat with big, deep pockets. He sits at the bar and has a drink. Then he reaches down deep into one pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, which he places on the bar. He reaches down into the other pocket and pulls out a tiny man, and places him at the piano. The little man starts pounding out honky tonk music.
The bartender says, "What's the deal here? Where did you get that thing?"
The man opens one pocket, peers down in, and replies, "My genie gave it to me. I have a genie in my pocket that will give you anything you want."
"Yeah, right," says the bartender.
"No, really," says the man. "Give it a try."
The bartender figures, "what the heck", leans over the bar and speaks into the pocket. "I want a million bucks," he states.
Suddenly the pub is filled with quacking ducks. "I said BUCKS, not DUCKS," yelled the bartender above the noise.
"See, that's the problem," replied the man. "My genie seems to have a slight hearing problem. You don't really think I asked for a 9" pianist, do you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The bartender asks, "What will you ladies have?"
The brunette says, "I'll have a G&T."
"Ah, gin & tonic," says the bartender. "Excellent choice."
The redhead says, "And I'll have a B&B."
"Benedictine & brandy," says the bartender. "Another excellent choice. And you?" he asks the blonde.
"Make mine a 15," she replies.
"I'm sorry," the bartender says, looking a bit perplexed. "I don't think I know that one."
The blonde looks even more perplexed and says, "You know, Seven & 7."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice so they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
"He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
"He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here.
"I told him that not one of us was leaving.
"Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews.
"I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the
priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I
started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two
18-year-old girls.
Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time
you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A student comes to a young professor's office. She
glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels on the floor pleading, "I would do
anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I
mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...........study?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women escaped from prison - a
redhead, a brunette, and a blond. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn.
They decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three
gunnysacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his
deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got there the sheriff called up to him
and asked what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to
find out what was in them.
The deputy kicked the first bag - which had the redhead in it. She said, "Bow-wow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the
brunette in it and she said, "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat
in the second one.
When he kicked the one with the blond in it there was no sound at all. He kicked it again
and the blond said, "Potatoes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
more jokes:
Background tune: Pacific Coast Highway - Michael D Walthius