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Engineer Jokes
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi
George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
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A group of project managers were given
the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They go out to the flagpole with
ladders and tape measures. Within a few minutes they're all falling off the ladders,
dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole
out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one
of the managers, and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that
just like an engineer. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
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Golf Jokes
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in
the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK," and sinks the
putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this
hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give
up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." He makes the eagle and as he walks to the
club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really been unfair
with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will
have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the happy golfer, "my name is Father
O'Malley."
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I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers; specifically I was interested in late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The reason for this phenomenon was quite simple when we finally found the answer. The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. He finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed. The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
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Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours. "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.
"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them is my wife and the other's my mistress!"
"I'll ask," said Ralph. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green. "What's wrong?" Bill asked. Ralph replied, "Small world, isn't it?"
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Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"
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Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"
Ralph replies, "I found it."
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Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
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A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the Yank said. "Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.
"Well, what do you do - paint your balls black?" asked the American.
"No," said the Scot, "we just put on an extra jumper (sweater) or two."
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Lawyer Jokes
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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW,
when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his
precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that
your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaawwwwd...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
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Q: What's the difference between a
lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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Q: What do you call the last place
graduate in the law school class?
A: Your honor
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An attorney was on his deathbed in the
hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the
Bible.
"What are you doing?" the visitor asked.
The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."
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Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.
Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.
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Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just
recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which
side to spit on.
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Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
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Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from
an airplane?
A: Skeet.
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Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are
buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold
was it?) ...
A: It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice
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Musician Jokes
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Q: How do you
make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
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Q: What do you
call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
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Q: What do
violinists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
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Q: How can you
tell when a soprano is at your door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
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Q: What's the
difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.
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Q: What happens
when you play country music backwards?
A: You get your wife back, your job back, and you quit drinking.
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Q: What do you
get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
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more jokes:
Background tune: Pacific Coast Highway - Michael D Walthius