God replied, "A million years to me is just like a second in your time."

 Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.

 God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a penny to you."

 Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

 God smiled and replied, "Certainly. Just a second."

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I always wanted to be somebody. Guess I should have been more specific.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt' ?"

Only one word leapt to mind. . .

"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."

The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"

She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

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Two little boys were arguing.
"My father is better than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

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IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES.........

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.  They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same.  Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.   They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.  They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.  When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.  Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.  You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

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The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

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Hotel Guest: You're welcome.

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