Three nuns on a train
had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what
their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for
a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn
into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take
the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst
sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't
wait to get off this train."
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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat
following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular
genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men
considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After
a long, tension filled moment, he spoke, "Nice going, O'Malley!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear
you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars
to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to
line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all
10 of the pint glasses, drinking them back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits
in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If
ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go
to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich
behind him and as he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks them for
their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the
ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please." The
man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out exact change for the tab. The
next day, the man and the ostrich come in again. The man says, "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once
again, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for the tab.
This becomes a routine until late one night the man and the ostrich come into
the bar and the bartender says, "The usual?" "Well, it's close
to last call so I'll have a large scotch." "Same for me,"
says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again the man pulls
out the exact change out of his pocket. The bartender can't hold back his
curiosity any longer and asks him how it is that he manages to always have the
exact change in his pocket every time?
"Well," says the man, "several
years ago, I was cleaning the attic and came across an old lamp. When I
rubbed the lamp, out came a genie who offered me two wishes. My first
wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, when I reached into my
pocket, the right amount of change would be there."
"That's brilliant," says the bartender. "Most people would ask
for a million dollars or something like that but you'll always be rich!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of
milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact change will always be there," said the
man.
Then the bartender asks, "One other thing, Sir. What's with the
ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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